Can't have too much elephant penis

Apparently, I need to learn how to knit. This was not a skill I managed to pick up as a child, but as an adult, it's beginning to hold some interest. Behold! The penis bottle cozy. Which may be a dirty elephant eye puzzle thingie.


See? I can only hope to emulate this kind of craftmanship if I take up the art of knitting now. *sigh* At least I can buy this one so I'll have something to aspire to.

Crap. The site says they've sold out. In four days. Really? I may just have to contact the person who was making them.

Porn for Women

Love xkcd. Because...yes. This.

Beer vs. Pussy

Of all the fun things to pull from myspace...

It is time to do a comparison between two things treasured by men, beer and pussy...

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
Pussy does not.
advantage: Tie

If you get a hair in your teeth
consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy

Too much head makes you mad at the
person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is
still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer,
your wife may get mad. If you come home
smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not
drive. 6 pussies in a night and you
have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Tie

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath,
you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath,
you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer
any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can
make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy
you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer,
you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work,
you get fired. If you try to snag a pussy
at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Tie

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may
break. If you suddenly drop a pussy,
it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your
old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: Beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is
not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, PBR, Old Swill.
Bad pussy: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Tie

Good beer: Samuel Adams, Moosehead,
Pete's Wicked Winter Brew.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

War is shit, rub your clit

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Circle the Bases With Me!

Geez, I found this online a couple of years ago and had forgotten all about it until earlier today. It brings me back to the time a friend in high school told me he wanted me to hold his bat and see what I could do with the balls. Or we could play stickball or something silly along those lines. LOL Nice, subtle high school come on.

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!" Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do? Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the Bases. First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

-- First Base-- This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base-- Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base-- Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

--Home Run-- This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without further ado...

Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck-- Having plans for a date

--Strike-Out-- Duh!!

--Walk-- Kissing

--Bunt-- Masturbation

--Single-- Tongue kissing

--Double-- Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels

--Triple-- Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

--Inside the park home run-- Oral Sex

--Home Run-- SEX!

--Ground Rule Double-- would have sex, but no condom

--Error-- Condom breaks during sex, sex without condom

--Hall of Fame-- Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk-- Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar-- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-- Vibrator
--Rain Delay-- parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-- Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-- Unusual positions
--Rookie-- Virgin
--Minor Leagues-- Under 18
--Loaded Bases-- manage a trois
--Grand Slam-- Sex four times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-- VD
--Three up and three down-- impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- "We, um, got to third base I guess and then we, um, got like past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and I started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, I hope it has cleared up a lot of the confusion and helps you out...

http://technobrat.com/humor/bases.html

Get It From Every Angle

I wonder if this kind of thing ensures that you'll either be able to handle every position or if you're just going be VERY lucky at the next swinger's party. Either way, it's something to think about investing in. LOL

Suck and Blow

Stolen From the Desk of My Cock

"The Ice Cream Cone, The Bob & Weave, Operation, The Swirl, The Hoover, The Plunger: Yes, these are all different types of blowjobs. Sweet Christ, people. Just suck. How complicated is it?" [Jesse on the Brink]

Can't remember where I stole this from, but it does give one something to ponder, doesn't it?

Boob Billboards: Wave of the Future?

Honestly, I don't know if google is a mad genius operation or if they're just completely out of their minds (more in a later entry), but this seems like advertising targeted to a very narrow audience--well, if you count horny men and photogs as a narrow audience.



Is it just me, or wouldn't it have made more sense to do this with bOOble?

the price of beauty

There are no words for this. Well, maybe one: Classic.

You Know You Masturbate Too Much When...

I'm sure there's such a thing as too much in the way of disclosure, but I figured this post is long past due.

You know you spend too much quality time with yourself when...

-you download adult movies on a regular basis just to keep a few new ones in stock.

-(if you're a germ freak like me) you find yourself running out of that expensive anti-bacterial soap because you wash your hands so frequently. The same can be said for my favorite lotion.

-you laugh at people who get carpul from typing. They have no idea.

-your friends know better than to call you at a certain time of night. If you're answering the phone with one hand...

-if your friends do call at night (or any time where I'm concerned LOL), they get suspicious if you're too quiet, can't catch your breath, or laugh a bit off key.

-your toes have curled permanantly into one position.

-the people at the local toy store not only know you when you come in, they pull products to the side for you and give you the employee discount.

-you're me.

-you break out into uncontrollable laughter any time you hear the words "hair trigger", "massager" or "release."

Why Does My Friend Like Pussy So Much?

Forgive me for being a little dense, but I just can't understand my friend's near-obsession with pussy. We've been kinda close for a while and this is what I've learned so far about her fixation:

She's been pretty much obsessed with pussy since she was a kid. More often than not, you could find her stroking her own or fondling someone else's pussy in her spare time.

She likes to think of weird pussy names like Fuzzy or Michael.

When we're on the phone, I get distracted by the sounds of her stroking her pussy.

Even though it would look better, she refuses to shave her pussy. I think she's afraid of cutting her pussy. But really, isn't it normal for a pussy to bleed every so often? Besides, if she was careful, she won't cut it. It just needs a trim. Everybody likes a little trim.

She loves to stick food in her pussy (she does it a few times a day--that's why it's a fat pussy) and stroke it as it sleeps. (She shouldn't complain that her pussy is spoiled if she's the one doing it.)

Her pussy takes over the entire bed to the point where my friend has to stroke it so she can lay down.

I get the imprssion that her pussy doesn't lick itself. Hmm.

She talks about her pussy so often, I almost feel like it's mine.

She talks with other pussy lovers online about their favorite ways to play with pussy.

She LOVES showing off pictures of her unshaved pussy.

Her pussy controls her life. You can't be friends (or anything else) with this girl unless you're really fond of her pussy.

A picture of the culprit:

Know anyone else with pussy problems?