Saturday, June 28, 2008

Celebrity Sexcapades: Guidelines For Greatness

As a self-proclaimed connoisseur of amateur porn, I feel it's my duty to make a statement about the slew of celebrity sex tapes that have been coming to light in the last few years. Some are being seen as the result of theft or carelessness, some are being pimped because of greed or a desire to boost one's career (how that works, I'll never guess). But all have one thing in common. They should be hot.

I say "should" because...well...not everyone gets it right. Let's be honest, some celebs are as boring in bed as the average joe. I'm not saying everyone should hire a stylist and a coach to get their pseudo porn star debut off to a roaring start, but here are a few easy-to-remember tips that will make these not quite private vids stand out from the rest of what's available.

1. Have sex. No, seriously. You have no idea how many people get this one wrong. If more than half your tape is one person giggling for their partner or looking at the camera and primping, by definition, you have a vanity video that no one wants to see. Don't tease people by calling it a sex tape just because you're primping stark naked or close to.

2. Keep pets out of the room. For sanitation reasons alone, Sparky or Mimi should not be the third (or fourth) featured star of your film.

3. Coyness is only cute when you're a virgin. That means threatening to sue or crying on TV when your tape "leaks" is not believeable when you spend a good portion of the video looking at the camera and posing. It's even less believeable when the video is edited so only the "good" parts are left. Less than that when it leaks just before an album release or movie premiere or after rumors of a dropped contract. Own your shamelessness!

4. Leave the bad music and voiceovers to professional (bad) porn makers. Yes, Ray J and Kim, that means you. If you want your partner (and potential audience) to know how good it was, say so during the act. If you can't truthfully do that...well, assuming you're any kind of actor, fake it!

5. Don't confuse a real tape leak with suddenly regrown virtue. That means, Pamela Anderson, that you do NOT suddenly get to be a blushing teen again if someone steals your honeymoon video. We all know you were innocent once, but acting like everyone seeing the tape was robbing you of your innocence is ignoring that you've been on the cover of Playboy nearly a dozen times AND done a few videos for them. You might be the victim of theft, but you're hardly pure as the driven snow. (BTW, you cannot claim innocence if you mention your kids while holding Daddy's funstick in the video. You obviously expected the video to be seen by someone.) Thankfully, some celebs come off this kick relatively quickly and sign on the dotted line. That wasn't so hard, was it?

6. There should be nothing in your mouth but your partner. You know who you are! Chewing gum in slow motion does not a sexy video make.

7. Speaking of slow motion, there is something wrong if you, your partner or the audience begins to fall asleep in the middle of the festivities. Don't be afraid to switch it up to make things interesting. Even if it means switching partners!

8. Have fun! Making a sex tape can boost your profile, but you really don't want people talking about you if all they're going to say is you're a bad lay.


Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee

Colin Ferrell and Nicole Narain

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