Thursday, November 13, 2008

desperation and the lust for the end result

Now I know something's wrong with me. I'm so stuck on my NaNoWriMo novel that I'm thinking about getting back to an erotic story I started over a year ago. A story I didn't even like that much. There are times when I think my wanting to be a "successful" writer is just an idea. I like ideas. I'm good at ideas. I get story ideas all the time. It's the execution that escapes me. Don't get me wrong, I've written some stories that have gotten great reviews. I even liked a few of them. It's just a lot of time, I feel like my writing doesn't live up to my own standards. Is it my standards that need to change or my focus?

Focus. Now there's something I could use more than a man and a drink. (Well, maybe not more but I could use...see what I mean?) This time last year, my NaNo was so difficult to write because it was a heavy emotional story about losing someone and grief and therapy and all that stuff. I had to put myself in my character's head and try not to cry every time I sat down at the keyboard. This year I feel like I just walked into a world of a dozen or so characters and they have less of a clue about what's going on in their world than I do. This is not a good thing.

At least when I was writing just erotica, I knew what was happening, how it would happen and how many people were involved. Do I miss that or do I miss writing about sexual tension all the time? Is that what my fantasy is missing? I didn't want it to be a part-romance, but I might have to rethink that if it's the only way to get this thing moving. Offset the depressing genocide (which I still can't figure out how to write in a way that makes sense) with a slightly less depressing storyline. But it seems like romance in the middle of an intense building war scenario would be completely out of place.

Am I wrong? Do I just need to read other people's examples of doing this to know I'm not that far off? Or should I trust my instinct that my current story is turning to shit and I need to stick to romance and adult type offerings?

I can't figure it out and just trying has been giving me a headache for days.

So here's the real question: Do I give up and write what is easy or make this work? Do I go back and fix what I've already written?

I refuse to give up on writing altogether. I can't.

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