Tingling

I tried not to let her get to me.

Maybe I was stupid to ever think I would never fall in...get into anything with another woman. Maybe I was just hoping things would change. She would continue to ignore my cautious flirtation and I would tease her, knowing her reluctance to admit her own feelings and desires would keep me safe. But we kept on. The late-night teasing phone calls went into the wee hours as if neither of us wanted to hang up, still giggling and talking into the night about nothing--and everything. We counselled each other, and joked and laughed and it seemed we were always on the edge of something different. Something new. Something neither of us wanted to admit or acknowledge outside the guise of an elaborate joke. Sure, I'd kiss you. Sure, you could touch me. Yes, we could play together and it wouldn't mean anything different. We're friends. We're close. Nothing we want is out of the question or anyone else's business.

Right. Who were we kidding?

So then we argued. Back and forth for weeks. (We may still be arguing, truth be told.) She's a liar, I'm a bitch (The Queen). She's selfish. I'm demanding. She's flaky. I'm bossy. Good combo? Works for now. We both want men. Uh huh. We might both want the same man, at least for sex. We're both stubbon and argumentative and she provokes me because she likes when I'm mean and I aggravate her because I like to hear her beg. We're both good and bad together and drive each other crazy, but it's all a part of the game.

She's been going through a hard time lately and sometimes it's hard for me to deal with. I have my own shit I can't help with. I feel helpless around her. I can't help her from my position. I can't do anything but yell at her to take the opportunies that are being presented and hope for the best. But still, I worry. It's caused a lot of tension. Until last night.

Three hours on the phone. What were we doing? Well, that's complicated. You could say we were "making up." I mean, technically we made up a couple of nights ago, but in the back of my mind, I still want to yell at her about a few things. But last night...last night was something.

I don't do phone sex. I don't do chicks. I don't do phone relationships.

Or so I thought.

Last night the tables turned. Did I mention I like to tease her? Yeah. Apparently, she gets turned on by the sound of my voice. You know, the ultra-deep, wanna be sex-kitten thing every woman can do if she puts her mind to it. She's never told me how long she's liked my voice that way, but she hinted it might have started sometime last year.

What does she do for me? I'm a Leo. I like to have me ego stroked and she strokes me well. She said a few weeks ago that she wants the kitten to purr and it was doing just that last night.

I started whispering to her. I don't even remember what I said. Just that I got the silliest grin on my face when I heard the music she was listening to stop and she began to whisper back. I don't know what happened next. I felt a tingling (should I say where? lol) and I knew I had to keep going. I was watching porn at the time The video reminded me of her and the last guy she was with. (We should share him. That would be fun.) I started describing it to her. I watched their bodies move together. I listened to the girl on screen moan in one ear while I heard her whispering in my other ear. It was almost too much for me. I started twitching around in my chair, not able to sit still, tingling even more every time I closed my legs. I had to stop this.

I turned off the video and went into another room. Yes, I really did go to charge the phone before it died, (I told you I never lie to you, girl) but I couldn't deal with the combination of sounds and images coming at me at the time. Not unless I wanted to do something about it. I never know what time will be the time I do something on the phone with her and I might get loud enough to wake the whole neighborhood. It's difficult because I live with two people and the last thing I ever want to hear from either of them is that they heard me on the phone with my girlfriend. Because of this, I don't think we could ever masturbate on the phone at the same time. I don't know if I'd be able to catch myself. There's only so much biting my lip and sighing I can do before I explode.

I kept talking to her. About what she was wearing (next to nothing), what she was doing (what I wanted to do with my hands on her) and what I wanted her to do to me. I closed my eyes and began picturing her touching me the way she wants. I've imagined kissing her before, but there was something different about this time. I know she's not wild about kissing, but somehow I think I've gotten her to the place where she'll let me put my lips and tongue all over her. I want to start with her mouth and work my way to her neck, just to see if I can make her squirm the way she makes me on the phone. I want to run my hands over her arms and chest and stomach with the lightest touch, to see if I can give her goosebumps all over body. I want to blindfold her and kiss her all over her body, just to see if I can get her as wet as she gets me. In reality, she doesn't want me to do anything to her. A pity.

She responds to my voice. I respond to her excitement. And yet we both hold back. Are we afraid of what could happen? Maybe. Neither of us has been in a relationship with a girl (I guess that whole weekend and other times she spent with her "friend" and the times I spent bonding with my friends don't really count), but we both seem to want to be in this one. For now. Whatever it means. I can't even say a lot of this to her because she'll think I'm getting too serious, and maybe she's right. I get excited when we talk on the phone about nothing and there isn't much I can do about it for now.

I had all of this running through my head as I talked to her last night and I completely lost track of what I was supposed to be saying to her. I guess it didn't matter. She doesn't care what I say as long as she can hear my voice. I order her around. I demand pictures of what she's doing over there. I ask her to tell me, slowly, what she's doing and ask if she'd do it for me if I was there. I ask her what she'd do to me if I was there. I tell her I want to do things she'd never go for if she wasn't distracted. She calls me a bitch. Tells me I'm bad. I laugh it off (a low laugh she likes) and keep going. At times, I think I'm more excited than she is, but I twitch in the chair again and pretend that I'm just talking to her like normal. I don't know what would've happened if I'd let her know how excited I was at that moment (like I am every time), but I didn't want to lose control while we were on the phone. I don't like to distract her from what she's doing. I don't want to distract myself. I like to listen.

Is it her voice when she's horny or just her moaning that gets me hot? I can't say. I just can't resist pushing her into that space where she just has to relieve all that tension, whether she's at home or work or the grocery store. I smile my little smile and drop my voice and say "Yes baby" at random moments, hoping to hear her breath catch. Okay, maybe I'm a little bad, but she brings it out in me.

Last night is a bit of a blur. I was picturing us together. I don't know where we were. Her house? Hotel room? An apartment in New York? Didn't matter. I was kissing her. I was showing her how I like to be kissed. I was feeling her tongue in my mouth and running my hands through her hair and getting so turned on I almost forgot to keep talking to her. She was moaning in my ear on the phone and breathing hard and stuttering as I asked her questions. I was pushing her onto the bed and straddling her as we kissed. (I am having so much trouble sitting still just typing this now.) Then she was on top of me, kissing me back, stroking me, teasing my nipples with her tongue and touching me in a way she knew would eventually make me scream. I was tossing back and forth on the bed, determined not to get too loud, trying not to moan, breathing the same way she does on the phone. I spread my legs on the chair and listened as she came. (She tries to cover it up as if she's ashamed. She shouldn't be.)

I was so horny by this point, I was practically jumping off the seat, but I refused to do anything in the living room. I had to get off the phone with her. Listening to her pant and moan like that was liable to make me snap at any second and forget where I was. I was so close. I closed my eyes and started whispering to her again. I had made up my mind. I wanted her to dominate me. I wanted to feel her on me, in me, feel her do things to my body I'd never let another woman do. I imagined us tasting each other. I wanted to let her ex watch. I wanted him to videotape it so we could all watch it together. I wanted her to watch me with him and then take me right after so she could show him how it's done.

I had to get off the damn phone.

I don't know had happened. I had gotten her all revved up again, but I was on the verge of joining her and making a lot of noise on my end. I finally got her to agree to let me go. As soon as I could move, I practically ran to the computer to watch my video again. I didn't start it from the beginning this time, but at the part where the young lady (yes, I said that with a straight face) goes from faking it like a porn star to genuinely enjoying her work. (I suppose I would too.) She was getting loud and breathing hard and turning red and I imagined my girl doing the same thing. I don't know when it happened, but one minute I was watching two porn stars and the next minute, in my mind's eye I was seeing her and her ex on a bed in front of me. She was moaning and looking at me as he touched her body and made love to her in a way I never could. But she didn't care what he was doing as long as I was watching, as long I enjoyed the show.

I don't know how many times I came last night, but I could barely stand afterwards. I was still horny, a little dizzy and itching to pick up the phone and call her again, but I couldn't. She needed her sleep and I needed to learn how to control myself. I went to bed twitching and uneasy, my body taking forever to settle down from what I'd (we'd) started.

I don't know what she's done to me. I don't like girls. Women. Whatever. (Except Angelina Jolie. Everyone wants to fuck her. Even if they don't, they do.) Could I ever have done this with any of my other friends? No. I love you like a sister has turned into so much more. I really think she's going to drive me crazy. I need to stop babbling and go...help myself. Damn her.

Are we a couple? Um... I'll get back to y'all on that. After all, it is the day after.