Thursday, March 9, 2006

The Thong (d)Evolution

Warning: If you are skinny and/or flat, this entry may not be for you.

In my quest to prove my “you can be sexy without being naked" theory, I have decided to start a war against thongs. Just one more thing bringing down popular culture in America (not that it has far to go).

Well, maybe it's not that serious. But ever since they became popular, they've annoyed the hell out of me.

Take shopping for instance. I believe every woman should dress (or undress) any way they please (within reason, but that's another entry), but I don't think clothing manufacturers feel that way. Over the past few years, every halfway decent clothing trend has become more revealing and less like something a lot of adult women would wear. Do they really expect us all to dress like video hos or a gaggle of giggling teenagers on TRL? I'm almost ashamed of the way teenage girls and young women feel they have to dress in order to be accepted or feel attractive. Is this what the quest to be popular does to us? I'm sure they don't all feel they have to dress that way, but if there was no pressure to follow these trends, would they wear skirts so short they can barely sit down and pants so low they have to have special underwear to get away with it? Why do you need to buy colored or bespeckled butt floss in order to wear a simple pair of jeans? I thought jeans were casual wear, so why does even the most basic of clothing items need it's own set of special accessories?

A sad state of affairs.

For the past four years or so, clothes shopping has become...difficult. If you're a woman of a certain body type (meaning: if you're above a size 8 or so and have an actual shape), clothing options have become vastly limited. It seems as if all of the major retailers think fabric has become optional. If you want to wear a skirt, it either has to be ankle length or show off your waxing job. If you wear jeans, you have to worry about showing off everything within a half inch of your butt crack and panty lines because jeans just aren't thick enough anymore. It all started with that evil thong. Am I the only one who remembers when you could just throw on a pair of jeans without worrying about who was staring at your butt trying to figure out what color/underwear type you had on?

If the thong wasn't an option, what would women do? Would they stop buying the clothes that show everything short of their natural hair color? Or would they force clothing companies to make attractive clothes for women who are body conscious? Well, maybe force isn't the right word. Unless we're going to go into stores and burn the offending clothes, I doubt they'll realize that women need more of a choice than being next door to naked or dressing like somebody's grandmother.

I know bra burning belonged to another generation, but I don't believe there's an expiration date on a good idea.

Since I've already got the matches out, I propose we start out with thongs, low rise underwear (like some people don't have enough trouble keeping those things in place), low rise jeans, ultra low rise anything and skirts that don't come at least 4 inches below the point of no return.

Even if burning isn't the right answer (and I'm still not sure on that one), I'd still like to have the option of buying jeans in my size that don't tell everyone within 20 feet my personal business. It's horrible when you have to go into a store and try on jeans several sizes too big because everything is low rise and slim fit. The average woman in this country is a size 14 and over 150 pounds. So who really fits these things? The mythical college coeds who bounce through Girls Gone Wild videos? Or the people who starve themselves and get everything lifted and pulled so tight they can't even tell what they look like anymore?

Who am I kidding? Maybe it's the whole culture that needs to go down. The members of Outkast said it best in Behold A Lady. “I kinda dig those old school, cute, regular draws." Let’s take back our clothes! Take back our booties!

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